Wow, long time no see with this blog. I have taken the last several weeks (maybe a month I can’t keep count anymore) to process in a way the fact that I had to defer to a different trip and a whole new squad.
If we are being completely honest out of my own selfish desires I choose not to dive deep into my new squad. I choose not to respond in the GroupMe much, I choose not to get to know my new squad. Right now there are 9 of us total with a long way to go until applications close. And in my mind I was thinking “I don’t want to get to know these people” and the Lord knocked me out of that mindset real quick this morning actually. I was reading a blog from a racer that is currently out on the field and I have been keeping up with him for what felt like forever + the Lord really reminded me when I was reading that blog that this isn’t about me. It’s not about what I want, or what I felt like I needed within the race, but it’s about Him and the journey He is about to take me on.
This life has never been about me. This journey with the World Race has never been about me. It’s always been about Jesus and it is just now making sense to me. I didn’t call myself to be on the race, but Jesus called me to this journey. He had a reason for me to not launch in August. He wants to grow and mold me into the person He called me to be not the person that I think I called myself to be. And when He says “Wait. I have more in store for you” I now see what He has for me. And goodness it took me long enough to see that.
The last month I took to somewhat “grieve” and ignoring every person including the ones that was on my last route that also deferred was also the month that I ultimately decided to ignore God and that is why this morning I finally took a second to stop and listen. Ask Him what it is that He had for me on this journey. And that is all He was waiting for was for MY ATTENTION. How crazy is that? He still showed up even after I ignored Him. He still spoke to me even after I ignored Him. And I am still His even after the half a dozen times that I sit here and just choose myself and worldly desires over Him. I dreaded the words that came from Austin’s (my advisor for the race) that I was going to have to defer and I really just shut myself off from the rest of the world what felt like it.
But today I am choosing in once again. I am choosing to surrender what I think the race will look like for me and instead focus on what God has in store for me. I am choosing to surrender my fundraising, myself, my race and everything else during this next year of preparing. If the is what I am called to do then all Jesus need is my yes.
Have your way Jesus. I choose surrender. I choose in.
