I am about to get vulnerable for a second so bare with me. 

This week has been HARD and by hard I mean really really hard. Back at the end of July-mid August, I was talking to a guy that I was in a group message with and he started to send me some pretty inappropriate messages (not going into detail bc they are SO bad) and like I just brushed it off like it was nothing, cut ties with him, and moved on. Come Sunday night I realized he was reaching out to friends in my close friend group so I went to church authority about it. 

At that moment I felt uncomfortable, I felt like an object, I felt used, and just all around very unsafe.

I had a phone call with a staff member at his church and just gave it over to them to talk to him and help them, but on Wednesday I got REALLY brave and decided to confront him myself (10/10 don’t recommend) and he lashed out, told me I told someone because I had no self-worth AND even reached out to one of my close friends and was warning her about it telling her that I was just insecure and was telling her that he was not the reason I felt like an object. 

I felt defeated. I felt upset. I felt all of the things that are very VALID feelings to feel. I reached out to a girl from the World Race community (s/o to Kenz you’re the best) and one thing she told me time and time again was that the Lord is my defender. One thing she sent me that I am going to include is this:

“The Lord is your defender and He will fight for your name and your character because He knows it better than anyone and He’ll make sure they know it too” 

In that moment of frustration, anger, being upset,  and just all of the things I realized that the Lord has got me. He is there for me. He will fight for me and defend me a lot better than me sitting here trying to defend myself and my name. There’s beauty in surrender and there’s beauty in giving it all to Him. The Lord will FIGHT for me and that’s something that I will not want Him to do. I will never not want the Lord to defend my name nor my character. 

The Lord used this situation and He used Kenz to really show me that He will fight for me no matter what the situation is and no matter how far I run from God. 

If you are or have been in my situation here’s what I want to tell you: it’s valid. everything you are feeling is valid and it took me a second to realize that. don’t lash back at him, know your worth. Know whose you are. You deserve to be pursued. WE DESERVE to be pursued. I promise you it may hurt right now, but there’s something the Lord has in store for you in this situation. 

You’re loved. You’re wanted. You’re worthy. The Lord is OUR defender!! it’ll get better. trust me. 

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.” Psalms 18:1-2 rest in that verse today. 

Talk to you so soon!!

ash :)